The Badman Commandments

This article was originally published in the first issue of Woofah, a magazine dedicated to reggae, grime and dubstep, in September 2007...

Listening to hundreds and hundreds of dancehall tunes over the years, I've been struck by the frequency with which artists pepper their lyrics with instructions on how to be a badman, or at least statements on what badmen do and don't do. More often than not, the commandments (just as in the Good Book) are proscriptive rather than prescriptive, emphasising what behaviour isn't acceptable ("thou shalt not..."). Piecing together ten of my favourite lines, which are often (surely not unintentionally) hilarious, I've put together a quick guide to help all those budding badmen out there...

"Badman nuh run away"
Buccaneer - Badman Sonata
(Main Street)

"Badman nuh fraid a yuh crew"
Egg Nog – Getaway Driver
(Q45 - Broke Bottle riddim)

These two late 90s tunes get the ball rolling with some basic, self-explanatory prohibitions helping badmen deal with conflict. Scare Dem Crew's Badman Nuh Dress Like Girl is also worth a mention here for its apparent pointing-out-the-obvious factor, despite some of the hairstyles (blonde pigtails?) sported in recent years by ex-Scare Dem member Elephant Man.

"Badman nuh ramp with punaany"
Beenie Man - Real Badman
(Young Blood - Range Rover riddim)

"Badman we nuh rape nobody"
Kiprich - I Hate Rapists
(Mista Wilks - Ice Cube riddim)

It seems that unlike in the Bible, adultery is not a proscribed activity - in fact Beenie Man implicitly condones it by outlawing hesitation when it comes to sex. Kiprich's spot-on anti-rape anthem makes it clear that any punaany business must at least be consensual, which is good news for bad girls.

"Badman nuh go watch Brokeback Mountain"
Elephant Man - Nuh Bruck Back Mountain
Jam II - Sidewalk University riddim)

"Badman don't drink Snapple"
Mr Easy - Feel Alright
(Black Shadow - Chat riddim)

While obviously Elephant Man's motivation for not wanting to see Brokeback Mountain is his deep-seated and objectionable homophobia, I like the extent to which the badman commandments meddle with daily life in these two examples, influencing decisions at both the cinema and the chiller cabinet; I wonder if there is a badman-endorsed popcorn flavour?

"Sensible badman nuh par with idiot"
Beenie Man - Real Badman
(Birchill - Stage Time riddim)

"Real badman nuh have no time to hesitate"
Shaggy - Rude Dub Wi Want
(Champagne International - VIP riddim)

The qualification of these two lines, especially Beenie Man's distinction between sensible and run-of-the-mill badmen, is really quite admirable. Admittedly, Shaggy is a little vague when it comes to when exactly badmen shouldn't hesitate (or indeed why they're so pressed for time), but certainly Beenie Man leaves us in no doubt as to what kind of company badmen should keep.

"Badman nuh fi pull chest of drawers"
Vybz Kartel - Mrs Jaw
(Daseca - Anger Management riddim)

"Badman nuh like Tom Sawyers"
Wayne Wonder - Tom Sawyer
(Fire Links - Airwave riddim)

I have absolutely no idea what Vybz Kartel is talking about here; I can only imagine that his mum once asked him to move some furniture around and he wasn't up for it. As for the Wayne Wonder lyric, maybe I'm missing something through not having read Tom Sawyer, though I did come across him in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and he seemed like a pretty decent kid.

Posted by Gabriel Heatwave | Friday 14 December 2007